February 2010
41 posts
“Ever since I went back to school my life has been lost in translation.”
January 2010
40 posts
I lay in these fields,
the taste of the grass between my teeth,
staring up into the abyss,
the stars salting the night sky.
Careful, you might get the "Itis"
Soon to be headlining on thisiswhyyourefat.com, the Luther burger is the be-all, end-all of the burger world. It’s a full pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onions, 5 strips of bacon, all sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme donuts.
It caught on back in 2006 in an episode of The Boondocks, called “The Itis” (skip to 5:49). The burger was named after Luther Vandross,...
A 5-year-old creates and writes the best comic... →
8-bit unlockable life achievements
No place like home - Moved back in with family after leaving the nest
Hot Lava - Witness an active lava flow
On the Road - Taken a road trip that lasted longer than 5 days
Globetrotter - Visit every continent
Gutenberg’s Legacy - Write and publish a book
Out of the red - Get out of debt
Through the looking glass - Go deep sea diving
Mini me - Have a child
H-H-H-Homeowner - Buy a...
“Love is one of life’s greatest hangovers.”
– E.P.
Sex is like the rain
It’s wet,
and cozy when you’re inside.
It starts out light,
building up to the downpour.
You never know how many inches you’ll get,
or how long it will last.
After the storm you’ll find peace,
accompanied by a rainbow.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! →
For use in dire situations.
Why I don't look for monsters under my bed
Low and behold you find a monster,
You are immediately eaten,
But before you’re devoured you’ll admire them,
Their brilliantly white teeth,
The blood of your crucifixion soiling them,
The muted sound of your headphones,
Resting atop your bed,
A beacon of light from your iPod reaching toward you,
Casting a shadow on the wall of your body being enveloped,
Your last words are...
Creating beauty in strange worlds →
Small-scale meticulously detailed models using various materials and objects to create emotive landscapes.
Photoshop Shortcuts: The Mother Lode →
Why wasn’t this apart of the CS4 syllabus?
When in doubt don't use an apostrophe →
Ten words you need to stop misspelling →
The most feared punctuation on earth →
For all of you who write, especially those who do so incorrectly; myself included.
Cirque Du Soleil
O had unprotected sex with my mind and came hard.
Love was like an innocent first date with the woman of my dreams.
If my life were on VHS I'd fast forward to the end...
Instead of birth you awake from death, in a retirement home where you are cared for everyday, growing stronger with every passing hour. Once you’re too healthy you become bored and escape by simply walking out the front door, too fit for anyone to assume you to be under their care. You collect your 401k and retirement while celebrating your first day of work. You don’t need the money...
“Why does success go to our heads, yet failure to our hearts?”
“What happened to the place where only things you wanted to have happen,...”
A free bitch, baby.
Wake up. Get dressed. Go to school. Study. Graduate. Get a good job. Work hard. Pay taxes. Meet someone. Fall in love. Get married. Buy a house. Buy a dog. Watch TV. Have kids. Pay your mortgage. Raise your kids. Sacrifice superfluous dreams. Spend the holidays with the family. Watch the news. Get a better job. Send your kids to school. Enjoy a midlife crisis. Follow the law. Retire.
Repeat after...
“The opposite of play is not work, but boredom.”
“I spent my entire childhood wishing that I was older. Now that I am, this shit...”
“You’re so 8-bit.”
“We spend our entire lives building a safety wall, only planning to crash into...”
I hit a girl, and I liked it.
I’ve never hit a girl before, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s as if the stars aligned and the cosmos wanted me to do it. Everything about her annoyed me: from the hair that reached her lower back with the help of her extensions, to her overgrown nails droning in rapid succession on the bar counter, and an umpa lumpa tan that you’d only expect to find on the Jersey shore.
...